


the dreams in which i'm dying

by random_chick



Series: an element calm and deep [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-01-10
Packaged: 2018-01-08 04:52:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1128553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/random_chick/pseuds/random_chick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After her kidnapping and emotional torture by Loki, Anna Montrose is a wreck. This is the story of her journey back to herself and the salvation of her relationship with Coulson. It isn't an easy route -- among other things, Anna attempts to leave Coulson and is convinced to stay by someone she wasn't expecting. But she and Coulson will triumph... eventually. Maybe. He hopes. She, however, is too broken for hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to [the hour of separation](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1034312/chapters/2061728)

Anna couldn’t sleep, which was nothing new. She hadn’t slept well since her unfortunate encounter with Loki; every time she tried, the nightmares came and on the heels of that, the doubts. Not that the doubts didn’t come anyway, but they were even worse on the heels of a nightmare.

She stood by the bedroom window, arms wrapped around herself as she stared out the window without really looking. She hated the way she felt, the hopelessness that ate away at her a little more every day. She wanted to do something about it, she really did, but there were times, many of them, when she just couldn’t bring herself to give a damn.

She glanced back over her shoulder, managing a sad smile at the sight of the man sound asleep in bed. He was standing by her, more than she’d expected he would, and she couldn’t help but wonder when he would decide that it wasn’t worth the effort. The idea that he might make that decision someday terrified her -- when she was capable of feeling anything at all, that was.

Anna turned back to the window and looked out again. She loved Coulson with everything in her, but she couldn’t help feeling that she just wasn’t enough anymore, that “everything in her” was no longer enough. He deserved someone strong, someone confident, and she was no longer either of those things. But at the same time, he seemed perfectly happy with what he had in her.

“Come back to bed,” came Coulson’s voice. “It’s early o’clock.”

“Can’t sleep,” Anna replied, not looking back.

“Again?” There was concern in his voice.

“Again,” Anna confirmed.

Coulson sighed and pushed himself up into a sitting position. “You want to talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about,” she said. “Just can’t sleep.”

Coulson crawled out of bed and padded over to Anna, standing behind her. “You’re sure about that?” he asked, slipping an arm around her waist and pulling her back against him.

“I am,” Anna confirmed with a nod, even as she leaned back against Coulson. She had to admit, it felt good to be held by him. She almost felt safe again.

“I’m here if you change your mind,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to her temple.

“I know, Phil,” she replied. “I know.”

If she knew, if she really knew, then why wasn’t she confiding in him? But at the same time, Coulson could understand. She’d been through a lot in just a few short days. That was bound to have a lasting impact on someone.

But all the same, he wished she would talk to him. He’d worry about that some other time, though. Not now, when he was holding the woman he loved and couldn’t help no matter how much he wanted to. Right now, he had to do what little he _could_ do for her.

“Since you can’t sleep, you want to find something completely pointless on TV and curl up in bed?” Coulson asked, this time pressing a kiss to Anna’s neck. “Probably won’t help you sleep, but at least it’ll be a distraction from the fact that you can’t sleep.”

“You don’t have to stay awake with me, Phil,” she said. “We both have to work in the morning; both of us don’t need to be exhausted.”

“So how about I stay awake with you for a little bit and then go back to sleep?” Coulson offered.

Anna thought about it for a second before nodding. “Find the trashiest reality show we can,” she said, pulling away but only to turn around and face Coulson with something approaching an attempt at a real smile. “If I can’t sleep, at least I can mock something.”

Coulon laughed softly and moved back to the bed, waiting until Anna had crawled back into bed before joining her. He reached for the remote with one hand, wrapping his other arm around her and pulling her close almost protectively. He turned the television on and flipped through the channels until he found a rerun of something or other.

“I’m glad you decided to stay the night,” he said softly. “I do better when you’re here.” He wasn’t above capitalizing on her desire to help him cope with what he himself had been through.

“I know I don’t spend the night as often as you’d like,” Anna said, equally softly. “It’s just… it’s hard, Phil. It’s really hard.”

“What is?” Coulson asked, knowing that Anna was revealing something to him and not wanting to push it too much.

“It’s hard for me to have you see me like this,” she said. “All sleepless and worried and upset.”

“It’s not easy for me to see you like this,” he admitted. “But I’ve never shied away from anything difficult before, why should I start now?”

Anna didn’t like the idea that being with her was a difficulty for him, but she remained silent and said nothing.

“I love you,” Coulson said softly. “We’re going to get through this together, Anna. I know it’s difficult right now, but you don’t have to face it alone. You don’t have to face _anything_ alone.”

Those words weren’t nearly as reassuring as Anna had imagined they would be.


	2. Chapter 2

Work was just about the only thing that kept Anna going even remotely as much as she needed to be going. She threw herself into the day, much as she always did, with every attempt to ignore reality as much as was humanly possible.

She tucked her earpiece into her ear as she walked down the hall. She was heading out into the field and actually wasn’t entirely sure at all that she wanted to be. But she had to do it -- she and Agent Farrell had something to go take care of, though she wasn’t entirely sure why she and Farrell had been partnered up on something given that she was generally a supervisory agent and thus far had done most of her supervising from Headquarters.

But it was her assignment, so she’d do her best to carry it out. She’d just question it later, was all, and question it a lot.

“You ready?” came a voice from a bit further down the hall.

Anna glanced up. “Hey, Farrell,” she greeted. “Yeah, I’m ready to go. Let’s get this done -- I’ve got an exciting day of paperwork ahead of me that I positively can’t miss.”

Farrell chuckled. “It’s a pleasure to be working with you, Agent Montrose,” she said. “I’ve heard nothing but good things about you.”

“Who’ve you been talking to, then?” Anna joked, but with little of her usual humor about her.

Not knowing Anna all _that_ well beyond the occasional nod of greeting in the hall and casual conversation in the elevators, Farrell just arched an eyebrow. “Yes, because you’re clearly such a horrible, rebellious agent.”

Anna couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. “Yeah, that’s completely not me.”

As they headed for the elevator, Farrell said, “It’s good to see you at work, Montrose. I know things can’t be easy for you after… well, what happened to you.”

“No, things aren’t easy at all,” Anna agreed. “But I’m doing alright, I suppose. I’ve got friends that’re helping me through it.” Really, she just had Coulson, and ordinarily Coulson would easily be enough -- but after the things Loki had said to her, she wasn’t so sure anymore.

“That’s good,” Farrell said. “Friends and loved ones are important for that kind of thing.”

Anna nodded as they reached the elevator and she reached out to hit the button. “Loved ones are, yeah. I don’t have a lot of family, and what I do have… it’s not exactly something I can give them all the details of.”

Farrell supposed that made sense. “So what do they know, then? Oh, God, I’m sorry, that was so pushy of me.”

Anna managed a smile. “No, it’s okay. It’s a valid question. They know that I was kidnapped in the line of duty, but they don’t know who by or _why_.” Not that many people did -- most didn’t have the clearance for it.

“Must’ve been someone pretty dangerous to have you as shaken up as you were,” Farrell observed, stepping in the elevator.

Anna wasn’t sure what to say to that. She knew _why_ Farrell knew she’d been so shaken up -- the other woman had been in the hallway they’d walked down when bringing her in for medical treatment before a debriefing -- but she didn’t actually like that someone knew about it. It was something private, something her own to worry about. But she wasn’t angry at Farrell for saying anything.

“Dangerous enough,” she replied with a heavy sigh. “Dangerous enough.”

 

Coulson was, in a word, exhausted. He’d stayed up with Anna until she fell asleep and then he’d stayed awake on his own. Not because he’d wanted to, not because he’d felt like it, but because he’d been worrying. He knew everything she’d gone through and quite frankly, he was amazed that she was still standing. It seemed like such a small thing, relatively speaking -- Loki undermining their relationship. (Yes, it was a big thing, but in terms of everything that could have been done, it seemed so small.) But a few words whispered at the right time here and there could do so much to break down a person.

The part he hated most was that he didn’t know what to do for her. He could live with it if there _was_ nothing he could do for her, but the uncertainty of not knowing was what was going to get to him, he thought, as he pushed away from his desk with a sigh. He had five minutes; he was going to go check on Anna.

That would be when his phone buzzed. He glanced at it -- text from Anna.

_Going out with Farrell. Routine op. Back soon, hopefully._

He frowned. She hadn’t ended it with her customary “love you” or “see you later” or the other half a dozen endings. Sure, it was possible and probable that she was in too much of a hurry to say anything more, but there was also the possibility of it meaning something more than that.

And they couldn’t deal with it until that night, at the earliest -- even if Anna got back from the op in just a few hours, they both still had work to do. He wasn’t going to shirk his responsibilities just because he was worried about his girlfriend. He _would_ , however, worry for the rest of his day.

He sat in his desk chair, studying the text for a long moment as he decided on a response. He didn’t want to question her -- that was something best done in person, not via text -- but he wanted to say something, anything. Finally, he settled on something simple, something safe.

_Dinner tonight? My place?_

He hit send and turned his attention back to his work. He managed to lose himself in the focusing, until his phone buzzed again. He ignored it just long enough to finish typing up a paragraph for the report.

The response made him smile.

_There may even be dessert after, if you’re a good boy._

Chuckling to himself, Coulson turned his attention back to the report. It seemed as though Anna was doing better today. He was grateful for that.


	3. Chapter 3

Anna smiled and tucked her cell into her pocket as she settled back in the passenger’s seat; Farrell sat behind the wheel.

Farrell caught the smile on Anna’s face. “You’re in a good mood,” she observed cautiously, knowing it wasn’t really her place to ask but curious nonetheless.

“Plans for tonight,” Anna explained. “Plans with the boyfriend.”

Farrell grinned. “Oh, those kind of plans are always fun. You guys got anything exciting planned or is it just a lazy night in?”

“Lazy night in,” Anna replied. “Then maybe not so lazy, if he’s a good boy.” She gave a low, husky chuckle at that that left no doubt as to what she meant.

Farrell laughed. “Even more fun,” she declared.

“Yeah,” Anna agreed. “Phil and I have had a time of it lately; we could use a night that’s just… normal.”

Farrell latched onto the important part of that sentence. “Phil? As in Coulson?”

Anna was torn; she didn’t want to deny the relationship, but she and Coulson were also being quiet about it. Yet she’d been dumb enough to refer to it openly. “Yeah,” she said, finally, with a nod.

“Good for you, then,” Farrell said as she made a turn, following the car in front of them. “He seems like a nice guy, if a bit stiff, and you deserve someone to make you happy.”

Anna nodded again, slightly, hesitating only the faintest bit.

“You _are_ happy, right?” Farrell pressed.

“It’s complicated,” Anna finally said. “We’re good together, but it’s not perfect -- we both have our issues.”

“Every good relationship’s like that, though,” Farrell pointed out. “Just means that you may have to work a little for it but that everything’s worth it in the end.” She didn’t want to be pushy, but there was something about Anna that she just instinctively liked. She couldn’t help but want to help.

“I suppose you’re right,” Anna said. “I mean, it’s not a bad thing that it’s complicated. It just means things can’t be easily defined. Then again, not a lot of people know about the relationship, anyway, so what do we care if a handful of people can’t easily pinpoint what we’ve got? It’s none of their damn business anyway. He and I are happy, so everyone else can just suck it up and deal.”

And then she laughed sheepishly. “Yeah, that was probably a little overkill there, wasn’t it?”

It was Farrell’s turn to laugh now. “Protect what matters and the rest will fall into place.”

If only it were that easy.

 

The operation took long enough that Anna was gone for the rest of the day, not returning until early that evening. She moved quickly down the hall towards her office, needing to grab a few things from it before heading over to Coulson’s place. She just hoped it wouldn’t upset the evening too much that things had taken longer than expected. And yes, it was her job and yes, of course it came first; it still bothered her when plans got derailed.

Not to mention that she didn’t want to upset Coulson. She probably worried too much, but there you had it.

And in this particular case, it turned out she didn’t need to worry at all.

Anna found Coulson in the hall outside her office. “Phil, don’t tell me you’ve been lurking here for hours,” she said, amused by the sweetness of the idea at the same time as she was vaguely uneasy.

“No, only about forty minutes,” Coulson deadpanned, before breaking a smile. “Actually only about fifteen minutes. Heard you and your team were back, figured you’d have to swing back by your office, thought I’d just meet you here.”

“Still doesn’t solve the whole ‘drove here in separate cars today’ thing,” Anna pointed out as she let them into her office.

“I know,” Coulson said. “Though you _can_ ride back to my place with me and just ride in with me in the morning.” He was nervous about the offer, about having broached the subject, but he wasn’t going to let a case of nerves chase him off from something.

Anna thought about it for a moment. Her car would certainly be safe, so that wasn’t a worry. What _was_ a worry, however, was the possibility of being seen coming in with Coulson. While she’d spent the night at his place a handful of times before, she’d never done it without her own way in to work. Did they really want people seeing the two of them and coming to conclusions?

“Just a suggestion,” Coulson hastened to add. Things were awkward and hesitant enough in their relationship without doing anything to make Anna worry about being pressured.

That flicker of something -- call it nerves or whatever -- broke through Anna’s worries, at least for the moment, and she gave Coulson a smile that was almost normal. “I refuse to get up at the crack of dawn just to get ready for work, just so you know.”

“You never do,” Coulson said, returning the smile fondly and leaning back against the wall to watch as Anna gathered up a couple files and her personal set of keys. “Leave the files at work, Anna. Take tonight for yourself. You have nothing that can’t be taken care of in the morning -- we’ll be in early enough.”

She hesitated, hand resting on top of the small stack of files. “I suppose you’re right,” she said with a decisive yet not entirely believable nod. After all, if she didn’t bring her work home with her -- so to speak, anyway -- then she wouldn’t have anything to absorb herself in, to distract herself with if things went badly.

But things had never yet gone badly with Coulson and the rational part of her brain told her that she couldn’t go through life worrying about every single aspect of her relationship. If things went badly -- and oh yes, it was entirely possible that they would -- then she could face that as it happened and not a moment before.

“I know I am,” Coulson said chidingly -- but gently, still with that same fond smile on his face.

“In that case…” Anna picked the files up once more, only to open a desk drawer and tuck them inside. “I’m starving. What say we hurry up and get to your place so we can argue for half an hour over whether we’re having Thai or Italian?”

“I’ve never heard a better plan in my life.”


	4. Chapter 4

The drive to Coulson’s apartment was short, short enough so as to not be terribly memorable, but Anna had memorized every bit of it anyway. She wasn’t entirely sure why, but there you had it. Call it just one of her quirks or what have you.

And sure enough, there was an argument over Thai or Italian, just as Anna had expected. She liked that, though. It was comforting, in a strange sort of way. Routine. And she liked routine.

“Fine, Thai it is,” Coulson grumbled, mock-upset. “Who orders?”

“Depends,” Anna countered. “Your Taiwanese up to it?”

“We’ll find out,” Coulson replied as he dug his phone out of his pocket. “Your usual?”

“Of course.”

Anna headed for the bedroom - not just Coulson’s, but not yet theirs together -- and went for the dresser, tugging a drawer open. Her hand lingered over her things for a second before shutting the drawer and opening a different one.

She dug out a particular shirt and laid it out on the bed, shrugging her clothes off quickly. She breathed a quiet sigh of not quite relief as she shrugged the t-shirt on. She padded out to the living room quietly as Coulson finished up on the phone.

He hung up and turned towards Anna. “You look comfortable,” he said.

“Hope you don’t mind,” Anna said shyly. “I just… it’s my favorite shirt of yours.”

“You’re welcome to anything,” Coulson said, dropping his phone on the counter and moving towards Anna. “You know that.” And if Anna had retreated to her favorite shirt of his, needing to be wearing it herself instead of just seeing him in it, then she needed to feel safe. And if she needed to feel safe, then he would move heaven and earth to make it happen.

He brought a hand up to cup her cheek for a moment. “I’m going to get changed. I’ll just be a minute.”

Anna turned her face towards his touch before taking a step back. “I’ll be on the couch.”

Coulson watched her, waiting until she’d tucked herself into her usual position in her usual spot, before heading into the bedroom.

The sight of Anna’s clothes on the bed made Coulson smile. He liked seeing her things in his apartment, her influences on the place. She just seemed to _belong_.

Coulson shook his head and forced himself out of his reverie. He didn’t want to leave Anna alone for too long. A few moments later, he’d changed and was back out in the living room.

“Food should be here in… forty minutes or so,” he said, dropping down beside Anna on the sofa and wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he reached for the television remote with his free hand.

Anna snuggled against Coulson’s side. “This is nice,” she said softly, distractedly. “Just sitting here like this, not doing anything except being near each other.”

“It is,” Coulson agreed, settling on something and setting the remote down. “It’s nice that we don’t _have_ to do anything other than sit with each other, that we’re comfortable enough to just enjoy this.”

Not to mention it was low pressure on the both of them. Oh, yes, their relationship had its share of passionate moments, true enough, but the moments like these were equally exciting, in an entirely different way. It just meant that nobody expected anything, that whatever happened happened because they both wanted it.

“It’s easy to be comfortable with you,” Anna said. “Always has been.”

Coulson smiled at that and pressed a kiss to the top of Anna’s head. “Same goes for you. When I’m around you, I don’t need to worry about anything.”

And they both knew they sure as hell had more than enough to worry about in the course of their jobs. A few moments to not worry was a nice luxury.

A luxury that Coulson was all too aware he’d nearly lost before he’d even really had it.

“How was your day?” Anna asked, part awkward attempt at conversation and part genuinely caring.

“Pretty typical,” Coulson replied. “Downright boring, really. Which, when you work for SHIELD? Is the best kind of day possible.”

Anna laughed softly at that. “When it’s boring, it’s boring. When it’s not, you’re getting kidnapped or killed or God only knows what.”

Coulson really couldn’t argue with her statement. “And between the two of us, we’ve got the dying and being kidnapped part pretty much covered already.”

And there went the mood falling flat and awkward.

It was Anna who tried salvaging things, her hand sliding under Coulson’s t-shirt and resting against his chest, fingers idly tracing over his scar.

Coulson shivered slightly. It amazed him, the way his scar -- which was a more than obvious one -- didn’t seem to bother her. It certainly bothered _him_. Sometimes, anyway.

He let her tug his shirt up, barely paying attention to where she tossed it. He was far more interested in the way she was shifting to straddle his lap and still tracing the scar with her fingers. There was a quiet intensity to her actions, an intensity he’d learned to just roll with.

“It’s so much,” Anna whispered.

“What is?”

“The way Loki nearly killed you. The way he gave me a lovely set of emotional issues that’ll have me in counseling for at least a year. Just… all of it.” Anna’s fingers stilled, curling slightly against Coulson’s chest.

“But he _didn’t_ kill me,” Coulson said. “Well, it didn’t stick, anyway. And you’ve got people who want to help you get through this. We’re both going to be fine.”

“I only care about if _you_ want to help me through this.”

Coulson froze, eyes slightly wide as he looked at Anna. “Why would you think I wouldn’t?” he asked carefully, knowing this was a case of needing just the right words -- and yet not knowing the words at all.

“Because you don’t _have_ to help me through this,” Anna said, and there were tears in her voice if not yet in her eyes. “You can decide at any time that you’ve had enough, that it’s not worth the struggle, the effort.”

“I _can_ , yes,” Coulson said. “But I _won’t_. Because I love you, Annabeth Montrose. And when you love someone, you don’t abandon them just because things get difficult. And yes, things will be difficult. You doubt yourself and I have nightmares on an almost nightly basis. Neither of us has it easy right now.”

“Phil!” Anna scolded, her eyes flashing. “You told me the nightmares were going away.”

“I lied,” he said simply. “I didn’t want you to worry. I wanted you to focus on getting yourself better.”

Anna looked at him for a long minute before laughing and leaning in to kiss him deeply. “You worry too much about me,” she said, nipping at his lower lip.

“And you worry too much about me,” he countered, stifling a whimper. “I can live with nightmares. They’ll go away in time. Your problems won’t, not without working at them. You take priority.”

“God, Phil…” There was a wild desperation in her eyes as she looked at him. “Tell me you mean that. Tell me you mean it.”

“At this moment, Anna, I’ve never meant anything more.”

Anna let out a relieved half sob and kissed Coulson again, clinging to him. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, turning her head and burying her face against Coulson’s neck. “I’m so sorry.”

Coulson was the slightest bit horrified at the way Anna whispered those words over and over again until it was hard to tell _what_ she was actually saying.

“You don’t need to be,” he reassured her, even as he held her and let her just fall apart. “You don’t ever need to be sorry.”

It was half an hour of her apologies and his reassurances and their mutual clinging to each other, and then the food came.

At the buzz of the bell, Anna practically scrambled off Coulson’s lap, but only to make a move for her phone and her card.

“I’ll get it,” Coulson said, managing to find his shirt after a moment. “Go buzz the guy in, but I’ll take care of it. A: it’s my turn to pay and B: I’m the one who’s the most dressed.”

“Hey, maybe I’d get us a discount on our bill,” Anna retorted, not smiling but also not looking as upset as she’d been.

“We’ll try that next time,” Coulson promised, stifling a laugh. “For right now, though, we’ll pay what we have to pay.”

Anna just laughed softly and went to buzz the guy up, after that heading for the kitchen to start grabbing dishes and silverware.

A few moments later, Coulson and Anna were back on the couch, plates in hand and half-empty containers of food in front of them.

“You know, I just thought of something,” Anna said around a mouthful of food.

“What’s that?” Coulson asked, cocking his head curiously.

“I’m really pretty lucky.”

“How so?” Coulson just wanted to hear what she’d say.

“I’ve got my health, I’ve got my job, and I’ve got you.”

Coulson smiled at that. “We’re both pretty lucky, if you look at it like that,” he said. “We’ve both been through something incredibly traumatic and we’ve come through it pretty okay. Alright, yes, I’ve got one hell of a scar and recurring nightmares, and you’ve got emotional trauma to work through, but all in all we’re pretty okay.”

Anna was quiet for a few minutes, long enough that Coulson was starting to worry.

When she spoke, though, her voice was barely audible. “Am I?”

“Are you what?”

“Okay. Am I really okay?” And with that, Anna became entirely too interested in her food.

“I wish I knew the answer to that,” Coulson said after a moment. “All I do know is, it can’t be easy dealing with what you went through. Loki got to you. Got inside your head and tore you down. And that’s really nothing to be ashamed of.”

Anna just nodded slightly.

“Agent Barton kind of knows what you’re going through,” Coulson said, setting his place aside and turning towards Anna. “Loki got inside his head, too. If you ever need to commiserate, I can get you two in the same room.”

“Thanks,” Anna said with a weak smile, still concentrating on her food. “I can’t imagine as he’d want to talk to me -- don’t exactly move in the same circles.”

“Clint’s a good guy,” Coulson said, reaching out to touch Anna’s arm. “If talking would help you, he probably wouldn’t mind doing it.”

“I’ll think about it,” Anna said. “That’s all I can promise you.”

“That’s all I ask,” Coulson said, his fingers still lingering on Anna’s arm.

Anna didn’t want to acknowledge Coulson’s touch, didn’t want to look at him. Didn’t want to hear whatever it was he was about to say. She knew it couldn’t be good, couldn’t bode well for them.

“Look at me, Anna,” Coulson said, his voice gentle.

She started to turn her head, then hesitated.

“Please?””

It was that simple word that made Anna turn her attention to Coulson. “Yes?”

Coulson hated the uncertainty in Anna’s expression, hated that she was so afraid of him and what might happen between them. But he pushed on regardless. “Listen to me,” he said. “You’re not alone. You will never be alone.”

Anna could only manage a bare minimum smile at that. “You’re more than I deserve, Phil. So much more than I deserve.”

Coulson didn’t know how to respond.


	5. Chapter 5

Coulson woke in a cold sweat a few hours later, breathing heavy as he sat up -- at the same time, trying not to wake Anna. She’d taken a while to finally doze off; he wasn’t going to wake her up for something that neither of them could do anything about.

Only she’d woken up not long after he had. “Phil?” she mumbled, voice thick with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“Nightmare,” he said, trying to calm his breathing. “Don’t worry about it. Go back to sleep.”

“Want to talk about it?” she offered.

“Nothing to talk about,” Coulson said. “It’s the same as usual -- my death all over again, only this time I don’t come back from it.”

Anna moved closer, leaning in to press a kiss to his neck. “Oh, Phil,” she said softly. “It’s alright, it really is. You don’t have to worry about that. As scary as it is, it’s not reality. You died, but you came back from it. You’ve got your life again. You’ve got your health for the most part, you’ve got your career, and you’ve got me.” The last few words had a hint of hesitation to them. “Everything’s going well.”

Coulson nodded, finally getting his breathing back under control. “Doesn’t mean it’s any easier to dream it,” he said. “Because when I dream my death, I experience it all over again, from the suddenness of the spear running me through to the life draining out of me until it’s not worth it to breathe because breathing takes energy I don’t have.”

“But even through that, you fought,” Anna reminded him, her hand crawling under his shirt and running along his scar again -- this time with no real purpose other than a need to be touching him. “You managed to nail Loki with that weapon. You didn’t just die, you died _fighting_.”

“You’re right,” Coulson said. “I know you’re right. But when I’m dreaming it all over again, I panic.”

“Perfectly natural,” she assured him, trailing a finger along the scar. She pressed another kiss to his neck, nipping lightly.

Coulson whimpered softly. He wasn’t afraid to react to Anna, especially because he knew how important his reactions were to her. She still needed the reassurances that he loved her, that he wanted her, that he needed her. As much as he hated that she’d been ripped apart and stitched back together by the madman, part of him liked that Anna needed his reactions so desperately. He would much rather she be fine and not so dependent on his reactions, though, which he supposed made it alright or at least understandable that he enjoyed one of her issues.

That was something he could deal with at another time, though; at the moment, he was infinitely more interested in the way Anna’s hand was sliding lower now, under the waistband of his pajama pants. He whimpered and shifted slightly, groaning as Anna’s hand brushed against him.

“That feels good,” he whispered.

“Good,” Anna replied, relief in her voice even as she wrapped her hand around Coulson’s erection and stroked slowly.

He lifted his hips, pressing impatiently against her hand as she stroked him with a touch too light for his comfort.

Anna smiled at that, nipping sharply at Coulson’s neck. “Like that?”

“God yes,” he gasped, managing to work a hand under the shirt Anna wore.

Anna smiled shyly, removing the shirt and dropping it to the floor.

“God, you’re beautiful,” Coulson said, watching her face and torn between loving the hopeful expression on her face and hating himself for loving it in the first place.

“Not so much.” Anna said. “I’m just me, whatever all that entails.”

Coulson let out another whimper at her touch. “Please.”

Clothes came off quickly after that, until the last bit was discarded… well, Coulson was pretty sure his socks were somewhere still in the room. Before Anna could move atop him, he pushed her onto her back and moved over her, nudging her legs apart. She’d initiated things, he’d almost begged her, but this just felt right.

Anna wrapped an arm around Coulson’s neck, tugging his head down so she could kiss him, biting sharply at his lower lip. She hooked one of her legs around his, pulling him against her impatiently -- almost desperately.

Coulson groaned into the kiss, shifting his hips and entering her slowly. He touched her face with one hand, letting his other hand slide down to clutch at her hip. His hand didn’t stay there for long, though, drifting up and down her side, fingers skimming over every bit of her skin he could touch.

Anna arched against Coulson, pretty much just clinging to him. God, she still couldn’t believe this amazing man actually wanted her, still wanted her despite everything she’d gone through and everything Loki had more than halfway convinced her was the truth.

She hoped that he would always want her, but his movements against her kept her from actually starting to worry -- which was actually his intention, not that she knew it -- and she was more than happy to cling to him and enjoy the way he felt against her, inside her.

He was more than happy for her to cling to him, as well -- it was what he wanted, for her to just give in to abandon and lose herself in being with him. She had so much worry rattling around in her brain that she needed to just forget it all for even just a few minutes.

And given the way she was clinging to him and moaning, Coulson was pretty sure he’d succeeded in his objective.

When it was over, Anna curled up against Coulson, her hand resting over his scar without even entirely realizing it. “Think you can sleep now?” she asked. “Without the nightmares coming back, I mean. I know what it’s like to not know how to chase them away, so…”

“Don’t tell me you did that just to distract my brain,” Coulson said, not at all upset by the idea but not quite sure how to take it.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Anna mumbled, pulling away -- or trying to. It would’ve been more successful if Coulson hadn’t tightened his arm around her shoulders to prevent her from going anywhere.

“You didn’t have to,” he said gently. “You don’t ever _have_ to solve a problem of ours with sex.”

“I wanted to,” Anna said quietly. “I wanted to help and I couldn’t find the right words, so I did the only thing I could think of.”

“But you didn’t _have_ to,” Coulson pressed, not quite sure how to get her to see his point. “I don’t ever want you to think you do.”

Anna lifted her head at that and gave him a Look. “Phil, if I ever think sex is the only way I can solve our problems, then we’ve got a bigger problem entirely.”

“I know,” Coulson said gently. “I’m just saying that I’ll appreciate any attempt you make. Sex or awkward words or really good words or just sitting there with me when I’m shaking and can’t breathe. I’ll appreciate it because I love you and because anything you do helps.”

Mollified, Anna settled her head down against his chest again. “I know, Phil. I know.”

And at that moment, she really did.

 

Counseling sessions were some of Anna’s least favorite things in the entire world, and that included being kidnapped by an alien madman. But she was scheduled for them twice a week, and so by God she’d go. Some days she wasn’t always very talkative, but some days her psychiatrist was actually able to drag things out of her. Bit by bit and piece by piece, her fractured mind was starting to make sense to her. She had no clue how to _fix_ it, but it was starting to make sense.

“I was an idiot last night and he didn’t leave me,” was Anna’s opening remark.

“Do you want to talk about it?” her psychiatrist asked.

“No, but… I probably should,” she admitted. “Because it was something that probably wasn’t the smartest move I’ve ever made. But it worked, so… yeah.”

She took a breath. “Phil had one of his nightmares last night -- well, extremely early this morning -- and I didn’t know how to help him. I know when he has one of his nightmares, he just needs to be distracted somehow before he can get back to sleep, and I may have decided solving the problem with sex was a good idea.”

Dr. Leib just arched an eyebrow. “And was it?”

“Well, it worked,” Anna said with a shrug. “So by that logic, yeah. It was. But no, it probably wasn’t a good idea.”

“And why not?”

“Because… I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea. It seems kind of… cheap and stupid.”

Leib cocked her head to the side and looked at Anna for a long moment. “Why do you think that?”

“Because it was a risky thing that he could have hated me for.” And the idea of him hating her for anything killed her.

“But it doesn’t sound like he did, given that you said he didn’t leave you.”

“No, he didn’t -- on either count,” Anna said. “But he _could_ have. At that moment, though… I wasn’t worry about whether or not he’d hate me. I just wanted to do whatever I could to help him. I hate seeing him hurting.” She gave a small smile. “But he didn’t hate me. I thought for a second that he was mad at me, but… he wasn’t. He was just trying to make sure I knew I don’t ever _have_ to solve a problem with sex.”

“And what did you say to that?”

“That if I ever thought sex was the only way to solve a problem, we’d have bigger problems to deal with.” Anna ran a hand through her hair. “But… it was nice knowing he was so concerned about it for _that_ reason and not because he was mad at me.”

“And how did _you_ react?” Leib asked.

“When I thought he was mad at me, I started pulling away. But he didn’t let me. He just stopped me and explained and I think he was a little worried _for_ me.” Anna smiled. “And more importantly, when he told me something, I actually believed it.”

“Oh?”

“He told me that he’d appreciate any attempt I made to help him because he loves me and anything I do helps.”

“That’s excellent progress,” Leib said with a smile. “That’s something you’ve been struggling with.”

“Yeah.” Anna nodded. “Because… I mean, he _could_ decide at any time to leave me and he hasn’t yet.”

“By the same token, you could make the same decision,” Leib pointed out.

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t.”

“And neither would he.”

Anna was quiet.

“From the things you’ve told me, Agent Coulson is deeply in love with you. I can’t say for certain because I I’m not his psychiatrist and if I were it’d be violating privilege, but from the things you’ve said about him and about how he’s been acting ever since your kidnapping, he’s very much in love with you. While I haven’t treated him, I _have_ interacted with him on a professional level and when something’s important to him, he fights.”

Anna was quiet again, this time as she tried to process a few things. “You know, as much as I say Loki convinced me I’m not good enough for Phil and it’s just a matter of time until he leaves me… it wasn’t Loki who did that, entirely, it was me.”

Now it was Leib’s turn for silence. Anna had never gotten to this point of realizing things before.

“Loki just threw shit out there to see what would stick, and unfortunately he found out right away what would stick.” Anna sighed. “It was Loki who said those things first, yes, but he just planted the seeds. I started dwelling on them and convinced myself that he was right. So Loki had a hand in it, but so did I. Or at any rate, I didn’t help matters any.”

She raked her fingers through her hair again. “And I apparently have issues, or it wouldn’t have stuck so well and for so long. But last night… I actually believed Phil when he said what he did, and I haven’t done that in a while.”

“That’s a good step,” Leib said with an encouraging nod. “You’ve got more steps to make, yes, but that’s a good one. And it’s one you needed -- but at the same time, it wasn’t going to happen until something managed to convince you.”

Anna nodded. “I know there’s a lot more going on in my head, but… am I allowed to be a little excited about this first step? Because I kind of am.”

“Nothing wrong with being happy that things are going well for you,” Leib assured her. “Nothing whatsoever.”

“I mean, I know I still have a lot to get through and a lot to deal with, but… this actually feels like it might be a start, not just me forcing myself to try and believe it.” Anna gave a smile that was the good kind of hopeful. “I was starting to think there might never be a start to it.”

Leib smiled. “You’re doing well,” she said. “You can’t push yourself to recover any faster than you can do it naturally, and I know it’s frustrating. But it _will_ happen, Anna. And I’m available for as long as you need me to be.”

“Of course you are,” Anna said with a laugh. “You’re employed by SHIELD, you kind of have to be.”

Leib chuckled. “True, but the sentiment still stands.”

“And I appreciate it,” Anna said, glancing at her watch.

“You’ve still got another twenty minutes,” Leib scolded, but in the tone of something said more than once before.

“I know, I know,” Anna said sheepishly. “Sorry, force of habit.”

“It’s all good,” Leib said. “Do you have anything else you want to talk about?”

Anna thought about it for a moment. “I’m scared,” she said finally.

“About what?”

“The fact that things seem to be looking up,” she said. “Because there’s going to be days soon enough -- hell, maybe even twenty minutes from now -- where I’m right back to doubting and worrying.”

“It’s only natural to have doubts and to worry,” Leib said. “And it’s only natural that you’ll have a good number of those days. The point is to keep trying, even when it gets hard.”

Anna nodded. “But… even so, it’s scary to think that I’m going to just slide right back into doubt and fear.”

“You have to face that fear, though,” Leib said. “I know it isn’t going to be easy, but you’re a SHIELD agent. You’re used to not easy.”

Anna nodded again. “True enough,” she said. “True enough.”

 

Anna wasn’t the only one in counseling; Coulson had been in work-mandated sessions ever since the incident. He’d been twice a week for a good while, but the last few months he’d been down to one a week. It was progress, one of the only tangible pieces of evidence he had that he was doing better.

“So, Agent Coulson,” his psychiatrist said. “How does today find you?”

“Not bad,” Coulson replied after a moment. “Better than some days, worse than others. Had a nightmare last night.”

“Same as always?”

“Same as always,” he confirmed. “But… it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”

“How so?”

“Anna spent the night,” Coulson said. “The nightmares are always easier to face when she’s there. She doesn’t always know what to do for me, but she always wants to try, and that? Means the world to me, and I don’t even know how to tell her.”

“Just be there for her in return,” came the response. “She needs you just as much as you need her, and just being there for her is probably the most important thing you could ever do for her.”

Coulson nodded. “She’s gone through so much and she’s trying so hard, and it hurts to see her so fragile.”

“We always hate to see the ones we love in pain.”

“And I love her,” Coulson said. “I love her so much it’s a little scary.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because it’s been a long time since I cared for anybody this much,” Coulson said. “I just want to protect her from the world. I know I can’t, and maybe I can’t even do anything to protect her at all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. After what she went through, she’s been through enough. And SHIELD relationships almost never work out, anyway, and I want to protect her from _that_ , too. I want everything to work out as well as it possibly can.”

He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know, maybe it’s ridiculous of me. But I can’t help it, can’t help wanting to protect her.”

“It’s not ridiculous to want to protect the woman you love. Especially given everything the two of you have been through.”

Coulson nodded. “At the same time… I don’t want her to feel smothered.”

“I can’t tell you how to solve that -- it’s something you have to figure out for yourself. But I _can_ tell you that you’re a fighter, Agent Coulson. You’re determined. When you’ve got your mind set on something, you see it through. This won’t be any different.”

As much as Coulson agreed, he was still worried. Still scared.

“I want to ask her something, but I’m afraid she’ll say no,” he admitted.

“Oh?”

“I want to ask her to move in with me. I don’t want her to say no, though. I mean, I’ll understand if she does -- it’s probably a bit much to handle, but… that doesn’t mean I want to hear her say it.” He laughed softly. “Haven’t been this awkward in a long time. But she’s worth it. She’s worth all this and more.”

“And that’s what matters.”


	6. Chapter 6

Night came and found Coulson and Anna once again curled up together on his couch. He smiled to himself and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He smiled again when she rested her hand against his chest. Anna had a protective, possessive thing for his scar that he found absolutely endearing. He loved the way she didn’t care about it in the slightest, the way she seemed to be taking great pains to make him see that it wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

“How was your day?” Anna asked.

“Not bad,” Coulson replied. “Mildly eventful, par for the course. Had another counseling session today. Didn’t uncover anything earth-shattering, but it was reassuring.”

“That’s good,” Anna said. “My session was… a little scary.”

“How so?” Coulson asked, concern coloring his voice.

“I’m actually starting to believe you again when you tell me everything’s going to be alright, and that’s frightening -- healing is scary.”

Coulson could understand that. “The important part is that you’re starting to believe me, though.”

“It is,” Anna agreed. “It very much is.”

“Think you’re going to stay the night?” Coulson asked, not quite hesitantly.

“Probably,” Anna said, picking up on Coulson’s awkwardness. “Something wrong? Do you… do you not want me to?”

“It’s not that,” Coulson assured her quickly. “It’s… I like having you here, Anna. I like knowing you’re going to be here at night. And I like waking up to you in the morning. Even if you do snore a little.”

“I do not!” Anna protested, laughing.

“It’s cute,” Coulson said with a smile. “But anyway… I was thinking… you don’t spend as much time here as I’d like, and I know it’s probably because neither of us wants to ruin the good thing we’ve got going, which I can understand. But… the fact remains that we enjoy being together.”

“We do,” Anna agreed, not following where he was going but willing to see where it would end. He was awkward and hesitant and not at all like his usual self, and it was probably more adorable to her than it should have been.

“And I was wondering… what if you moved in here?”

Anna lifted her head and looked at him, startled. “What?”

“What if you moved in here?” Coulson repeated, looking at Anna hesitantly, hopefully.

“Are you sure? It’s… kind of a big step.”

“Wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t sure,” he said.

“I don’t… I need to think about it for a little bit,” Anna said. “I’m sorry, Phil, I wish I could just give you an answer right away, but I can’t.”

“It’s alright,” Coulson assured her. “You want to make sure you’re doing the right thing for us -- but more importantly, you need to do what you feel is the right thing for you. I get that, and I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you in any way.”

“I know you’re not,” Anna assured him in return, kissing him lightly. “I didn’t think for a minute that you were.”

Coulson smiled against Anna’s lips -- and swore as his cell phone rang loudly from the other room. “The one time I leave it in another room, it has to go off,” he said, pulling away. “Let me go get that. I’ll be right back.”

Anna smiled faintly as she watched Coulson head for the bedroom -- and then it hit her just what exactly he’d asked her to do.

That would be when the panic set in and Anna did the only thing she could think to do -- which was also the worst possible thing she _could_ do.

She bolted out of the apartment while Coulson couldn’t stop her.

Coulson came back into the room a moment later, cell phone still in hand -- and promptly looked around in confusion. “Anna?” he called. “Where’d you go?”

Thirty seconds of looking told him that she wasn’t in the kitchen, the bathroom, or the second bedroom that served as a home office.

A sick feeling had taken up residence in Coulson’s stomach. That wasn’t the answer he’d expected -- or the method he’d expected to get it in.

 

Anna was at SHIELD headquarters almost before she realized where she was going. She didn’t know why, other than the fact that work was one of the two things that made her feel safe at the moment. And there was always paperwork to be done, if nothing else.

She was halfway to her office when she ran into someone. Literally.

“Agent Romanoff, I’m so sorry,” Anna apologized. “I just… my head’s got a lot going on in it right now, I’m thinking too much about things.”

“Perfectly understandable,” Natasha said. “We all have a lot on our minds nowadays, you especially.” She saw no reason to pull verbal punches with a woman well capable of understanding what people meant.

Anna nodded in agreement. “And it’s not the kind of thing I can talk about -- with most people, anyway -- so it’s harder to deal with.”

“How are you holding up, anyway?” Natasha asked, tilting her head and looking at Anna with curiosity if not quite interest. “You look a damn sight better than the last time I saw you.”

Anna chuckled ruefully. “Yeah, I imagine I do. Hair’s not as scary, at any rate.”

“The wonders of SHIELD counseling,” Natasha said, only half joking. “And a man who cares for you.”

Anna looked down at that.

“I take it not all is right in paradise,” Natasha said. “What’s wrong?”

“Phil and I… well, I kind of walked out on him after he asked me something.”

Natasha arched an eyebrow. “That’s a hell of a reaction -- proposal or what?”

Anna shook her head. “Asked me to move in with him.”

Natasha’s eyes widened slightly but she hid it well. “Things moved fairly quickly between the two of you, then,” she said. “It’s only been a few months, hasn’t it?”

Anna nodded. “We’ve been dating for five months.”

Natasha did the math, since she knew their history -- that meant almost a year since the New York incident and Coulson’s death, and three months since Anna’s kidnapping. That was a lot of baggage to deal with, and she knew baggage better than almost anyone.

“Did you say anything to him?” she asked.

Ashamed now, Anna shook her head and looked away. “I kind of bolted out of his apartment when he was in the other room.”

“That… probably wasn’t the smartest idea,” Natasha said.

“I know, I know.” Anna sighed. “It just… it terrified me. We’ve been through so much and after everything, he’s not leaving me. He’s moving to make our life together permanent -- or at least moreso than it was before. And I don’t know what to do about that.”

“I’m hardly a qualified professional, but… may I make an observation?” Natasha asked. Without waiting for a response, she said, “You’ve been through a lot. It’s only natural that you’d be scared. But at the same time… you’re proving Loki wrong. You should be rejoicing in that, not trying to prove him right.”

“I’m _not_ trying to prove him right, though,” Anna said.

“Could’ve fooled me,” Natasha said. “You’re so worried that his words are going to come true that you’re not going to stop until he’s proven right. You’ve got an amazing man who loves you like crazy -- and who you can confide in about your job, which in our line of work isn’t always possible -- and you’re trying to push him away. I don’t know if it’s because you _want_ to be unhappy or because Loki just got to you that damn badly, but you’re not going to be happy until you push him away. And then you won’t be happy, you’ll be miserable -- and that shouldn’t happen, because you two love each other. I don’t particularly believe in love, but the two of you make it work better than most I’ve seen. Don’t give it up because you’re afraid.”

Anna looked at Natasha for a long moment. “I’m not good enough for him, Agent Romanoff,” she said. “Phil is this amazingly caring, amazingly bad-ass in his own right guy and I’m a relatively minor agent.”

“With level 6 security clearance,” Natasha pointed out. “Not all _that_ minor.”

“I didn’t even have clearance to know that my boyfriend survived the Chitauri invasion,” Anna pointed out. “Y’know, that still amuses me. Do you have _any_ idea how many forms and agreements I had to sign just because I accidentally ran into Phil shortly after he began his recovery?”

“So he’s known you for a year,” Natasha said, folding her arms. “You’ve basically been nursing him through his recovery. You’ve become incredibly important to him. And he doesn’t run from a challenge or a fight. So what if your relationship is difficult? Nothing worth it is ever easy.”

“I don’t _want_ to be a challenge for him,” Anna said. “I don’t _want_ things to be difficult. Because if they get difficult, they might get too difficult. If that happens, he might decide to leave.”

Natasha just looked at her, not reacting. “Let me ask you something,” she finally said. “Things have been difficult for you and Coulson, right? In terms of his recovery, I mean.”

“Right,” Anna said with a nod.

“Have you ever even so much as _thought_ about leaving him?”

“No!” Anna looked horrified at the thought. “Why would I do that?”

“Well, you said it’s been difficult,” Natasha said. “Maybe you’ve gotten tired of the nightmares, the inability to sleep, the intense focus on his work because anything else scares him.”

“I don’t like that he still has nightmares, true,” Anna said. “But none of that -- and not even that together -- is enough to make me even entertain the thought of leaving him.”

“And he feels the same about you. So why would he possibly leave you?”

Anna looked at Natasha, hesitated, and said, “You may have a point.”

“I know I do,” Natasha said as she started walking down the hall. She took a step and patted Anna on the shoulder first, though. “Now go do what you have to do.” With that, she was off down the hall.

Anna sighed. God, she hated when other people were right.


	7. Chapter 7

Coulson couldn’t sleep -- and he’d tried, too. After he’d put away dinner and tried finding Anna -- half a dozen calls to her cell phone, as well as a call to the few friends he knew she had and a call to Agent Farrell -- he’d stretched out on the couch. Maybe he should’ve tried the bed, but he didn’t want to be there alone at the moment. The bed was theirs, had long since stopped being simply just his.

It scared him that Anna had just up and left. It also hurt him, but the hurt was something he could deal with later. The being scared, though, that wouldn’t go away or lessen until either Anna came home or he found out where she was. Because she’d just up and left, had slipped out of the apartment while he’d been in the other room.

He would understand if she didn’t want to move in with him. It would hurt, more than he wanted to admit, but he could deal with that. What he couldn’t deal with, or at least not terribly well, was the fact that she hadn’t felt she could trust him enough to tell him. That she’d up and left without so much as a protest. She’d asked for time and then she’d run.

It wasn’t fair, not in the least, but Coulson was more concerned with whether or not she was alright than he her actual behavior.

All the worrying in the world didn’t do him any good when the adrenaline rush ended and he crashed hard -- hard enough to have him flat out sound asleep on a couch that was great for sitting on but not terribly much else.

He was worried about Anna, but he could -- and would -- worry more when he had some decent sleep under his belt.

And who knew? Maybe things would make sense again when he woke up.

He doubted it, though.

 

Anna hadn’t gone straight home -- and yes, Coulson’s apartment had somehow finally become home to her, or maybe she’d just finally admitted it to herself. She’d wound up puttering around in her office for a couple hours out of sheer procrastination before she’d finally mustered up the courage to go back to the apartment.

She let herself in quietly, just in case Coulson was still awake and doing things. She was surprised to find the apartment dark and Coulson out cold on the couch.

“You sleep,” she murmured as she grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over Coulson. She rested a hand lightly on his shoulder for a moment before heading for the bedroom.

She changed into one of Coulson’s shirts -- not her favorite one, but no matter how you looked at it, his shirts still gave her comfort -- and crawled into bed. It didn’t feel right without Coulson right there to hold her, but she was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen tonight. Not after the way she’d screwed things up.

Natasha had had a point. Most of what she’d said had been stuff that Anna wasn’t quite ready to deal with, not at that specific moment, but the one thing that’d stuck with her was that bit Agent Romanoff had said about not giving up on love just because she was afraid of it.

It didn’t make sense to her that she would push away the best thing that’d happened to her since joining SHIELD. She didn’t doubt that Natasha was right, that that was what she was trying to do, but it didn’t make sense. Why would she do that?

And then it clicked. She’d said she was afraid. And it really _did_ all boil down to being afraid, so incredibly afraid. Of the big things, yes, but also of the little things. Of pretty much everything. And the only time she wasn’t afraid -- or at least wasn’t _as_ afraid -- was when she was with Coulson. Whatever they were doing, he could make her be unafraid.

How could she give that up? She’d be absolutely crazy to walk away from it all.

Now, if she could just convince Coulson that she meant to stay.

 

Coulson woke at some point during the night, he wasn’t quite sure what time it was, and was confused by the blanket. He hadn’t fallen asleep with it over him, so how…

He tossed the blanket aside and stood, padding quietly to the bedroom. Sure enough, there was Anna, curled up in bed. Coulson simply smiled and crawled into bed, wrapping an arm around Anna’s waist and pulling her close against him from behind. This didn’t mean things were fixed between them by any means -- he still had questions for her -- but they could face that in the morning. Right now he would simply enjoy holding her.

Anna stirred a few minutes after Coulson crawled into bed. She remained still, not wanting to wake him if he had fallen asleep and not knowing what to say if he was awake. Besides, she liked the way it felt to be held by him, without any words passing between them. It was something she’d thought she’d lost when she’d run out the door on him.

“I’m awake, you know.” Coulson’s voice was thick with sleep.

“I suspected as much,” Anna said with a heavy sigh.

“You came home.”

“I did,” Anna said, shifting position and rolling over to face Coulson.

“I didn’t think you would.”

That simple statement of fact told Anna all she needed to know about just how much and how badly she’d hurt Coulson by her leaving the night before.

“I’m sorry, Phil,” she whispered, resting a hand against his chest, once again over his scar. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just… scared.”

“Of what?” Coulson asked, touching Anna’s face gently and brushing her hair back from her face.

“The way you won’t leave me, no matter how much I pull away. I don’t mean to, but I do it, and you still stick around. And it’s just… amazing and wonderful and utterly terrifying because while I’m happy beyond belief, there’s a part of me that can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever leave me.”

“I would never,” Coulson said, sounding upset at the very idea. “You mean too much to me.”

“I know,” Anna assured him. “I know. Someone convinced me of that, actually.”

“Really? Who?”

“Agent Romanoff.”

Coulson laughed softly. “Really?”

“Yes, really. You, know for someone as jaded and disbelieving in the idea of love as she is, she had a good point. She said I can’t give up on it just because I’m afraid.”

“No, you can’t,” Coulson said gently. “You’d be missing out on something wonderful.”

“I know,” Anna said, kissing him tenderly. “I know. But I’m still terrified.”

“I wish I could take care of that for you,” Coulson murmured. “ I wish I could make everything better for you.”

“That? Is one of the many, many reasons I love you and one of the many, many reasons I’m finally realizing that I can be afraid of something and not have to run from it. Because running doesn’t help.” She smiled against his lips. “This doesn’t mean I’m quite ready to face some of it all, but…” She deepened the kiss for a long moment before pulling away. “I would very much love to move in with you.”

Those were possibly the best words Coulson had heard in a long, _long_ time.

“We’ll fix our demons,” he said. “Together.”

And that was something Anna believed whole-heartedly.


End file.
